Different Types of Rock Climbing Explained

Bouldering -- You climb without a rope near the ground on boulders or at the base of a cliff. You never climb farther than you are willing to fall.  Falls are usually broken by use of a padded “crash” pad.  Helps build finger strength and footwork.

Comment:  Not really climbing.  For people afraid of heights who like to talk about the moves more than doing them, who like wearing wool beanies in the summer, who “spray” (brag), “pull” (climb), have “rad problems” (routes), and “crush” them when they climb them.   Commonly start problems by sitting on the ground.  Get freaked out by the exposure when their chalk bag clears the ground. Frequently make bouldering videos to document their awesomeness. Bouldering men:  are really boys.  Bouldering women:  are really girls, though cute in those beanies and Prana pants and they come bouldering with mattresses strapped to their backs.

Typical boulderers on typical boulders and showing off for girls in the gym

Free Soloing -- You are climbing alone way above the ground without any protection.  If you fall you will die or be seriously injured.

Comment:  Free soloing is about lonely mentally deranged people who can't tie knots and have a death wish but are too chicken to just jump.

Tucker Tech, holds the record for solo climbs on El Cap

Rope Soloing --  You are climbing alone with gear.  Each pitch has to be climbed on self-belay then rappelled and cleaned by the climber who then ascends back up the rope using ascenders.

Comment: Solo climbing is about people with no friends who talk to themselves.
           
Aid climbing – Used to climb big walls and routes that are too hard to be free climbed.  Aid climbing is when you commit your body weight directly to protection in order to rest or ascend.  Uses rope ladders called etiers.

Comment:  Not really climbing the cliff, really climbing the rope/gear.  It is for people with infinite patience and time on their hands and like lots and lots of gear.

Typical aid climber

Gym Climbing --  Climbing indoors in a rock climbing gym with pre-set top-ropes or lead climbing.

Comment:  Someone who climbs almost exclusively indoors is known as a gym rat.  Guys like to climb without a shirt.  Climbing posers whose primary aim is to pick up guys.

Typical gym rats

Sport climbing --  The climber clips quickdraws (slings with biners) into pre-existing bolted hangers for protection.  Routes tend to be hard requiring athleticism.

Comment:  Sport climbing is neither.  Sport climber: Chalks up, backs away, re-chalks, breathes deep, re-chalks, and looks at climb again.  Climbs without shirts, call each other “dude” regardless of gender, and “sends” route (no one knows where) instead of climbs them. Can be seen carrying a stick-clip for high first clips they are afraid to climb to.  Often climbs with boom box blaring heavy metal or hip hop.   Sport climber men: shaves body hair, wears Capri pants, Crocs, and smokes dope to excess.  Sport climber women: great strength to weight ratio due to air in their head, wear Capri pants, sport bras, and are hot.  For girlie-men and hot vacuous chicks. 

Typical girlie-men sport climbers and hot chick

          
Top Roping -- a climbing rope runs through an anchor set-up at the top of the cliff, to the climber. Cliffs must be less than half the rope length for a sling shot/social belay or else you have to belay from the top of the cliff.

Comment:  Top roping is like masturbation…it will satisfy the urge when you can’t get the real thing.

Traditional (Trad) Climbing --  The leader places protection as he/she climbs and the “second” removes the protection when he/she follows.  Trad is used to climb multi-pitch (more than a rope length) routes and mountains to get to the summit.  When in the mountains, and especially when mixed with ice/snow, it is called alpine climbing.

Comment:  Trad climbers are convinced that this is the only true climbing. Trad climbers consider themselves morally superior to all others. In addition to climbing ability it takes mechanical aptitude and big cojones or lack of common sense.  Trad climber men: middle-aged or older with belly, belches, farts, picks nose, pisses off cliff, swears frequently, and drinks alcohol to excess.  Wishes they could climb harder than 5.4 so they could hang with the hot sport climbing chicks.  Trad climber women: same qualities as men.

Typical trad climbers